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TIPS FROM THE REDNECK LIBERAL BOOK OF MANNERS


> Never take a beer to a job interview.

> Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
> It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
> If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
> Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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> DINING OUT

> If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

> Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
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> ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

> A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
> Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

> PERSONAL HYGIENE
> While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
> Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

> Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

> DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

> Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

> Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
> Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
> Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

> WEDDINGS
> Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift
> Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

> For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..

> Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

> It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

> DRIVING ETIQUETTE

> Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

> When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

> Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4.
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> When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

> Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
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> Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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> TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
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> All the DNA is the same.

> There are no dental records