I can't make this shit up

I swear if you buy this stuff you've lost your marbles 

Let me see if I get this right,,, Turkey stuffing and cranberry flavored  dog biscuits, maple bacon and blueberry, BBQ chicken and sweet potato, made by Vita Bone wow,,, asian inspired.

I sure would like to know what three-year-old who thought this up,,,,cool we can stuff turkey stuffing cranberries blueberries and sweet potatoes in the dogs treat. 

and the yuppies will buy it,, never mind the yuppies,, who's the dink that's  going to test it ,,,yep,,,, blueberries cranberries stuffing and sweet potatoes all right...

Wo we can sell those for seven dollars a bag

Mister PT Barnum was right,,,, there's a new one born every day..

If you think it's so good,,,then  you try one,,, then give it to you dog 

Sent from my iPad

Eeeee god

One of us are on Prozac

Right

Her hair

TIFU by flicking my hair

TheFlyingPigSquadron

So this morning I jumped in the shower and decided to wash my hair. I have very long and curly hair that reaches midway down my back. However, once its wet the curls straighten out and my hair almost reaches my bum. 

So hair is wet, shampooing done and I just need to rinse. I tip my head back and flip my hair over my shoulder ala shampoo adverts everywhere. And feel something brush against the top of my bum. Being the mature and logical gal I am, I came to the one and only possible conclusion. 

Spider

With a scream a howler monkey would be proud of, boobs flying and looking like some sort of demented mermaid, I attempted to flee the shower stall. And promptly acquired a new skill; the ability to do the splits. 

This in itself was a spectacular feat of physics as there isn't actually enough room in my bathroom for a toddler to do the splits, never-mind a 5'9" half drowned rat. As a result, when my leading foot came into contact with the toilet pedestal my body was launched back along the floor towards the shower. This left me wedged between the toilet and the shower tray.

Where I was abruptly bitch-slapped by the shower door.

One trip to A&E later and I have a sprained ankle, a fractured ankle, two broken toes, a beautiful rainbow of bruises in some interesting places and a partridge in a pear tree.

TL, DR: Upon learning that my hair now reaches my bum I; preformed gymnastics worthy of Rio, made the laws of physics my bitch and took a guided tour of the local hospital.

UPDATE: So because I’m a special little unicorn my broken toes and fractured ankle are on opposite feet therefore I’m now rockin a bitchin new wheelchair (well not new, it’s the NHS and its Scotland). Also my flat is upstairs so it might as well be on Everest, so I’m at my parents bungalow until my sprain is well enough for me to find another way to fuck it up.

I’ve had the wheelchair for about 6hrs now and have bounced it off every door frame in the house and scuffed two of the walls (don’t tell my mother). After about 2hrs of me bouncing around like a ping pong ball my mum got the shits with me and told me to go and annoy my younger brother, who is playing xbox in the living room. So after letting him have a go on the chair and basically pissing about, he says 3 little words that have resulted in this update.

“Do a wheelie”

Fucking challenge accepted. I give it a go and end up tipping the chair backwards, arse over tits (which I’m sure would, again, be flying if they hadn’t been secured in a locked and upright position) and cracking my head on the fireplace. I’m now on my back doing the world’s worst impression of an upside down turtle with a cast and now a head wound. My 19yr old, apparently adult brother is trying to crawl to the bathroom before pisses himself laughing.

So now I’m back in A&E waiting to get glued back together.

TL, DR: Was challenged to a wheelchair wheelie which resulted in; me becoming gravity's bitch again, a grown man almost wetting himself and a second guided tour of A&E.

UPDATE 2: No I haven’t injured myself again. So after seeing the same Dr I saw during my first trip in, I thankfully don’t have a skull fracture or concussion. I’ve just split the skin which was fixed with glue and tape because apparently medical and art supplies are the same thing. I’m also back in the wheelchair as the very wise Dr felt “crutches would just be asking for it”. He’s not wrong I full admit I would have attempted to swing from them and/or use them as pirate swords. Though most likely both.

So I thought I’d check Reddit on the way home and holy shit. I was not expecting this response!! I just thought a few people would stop to point and laugh at the clumsy twat and move on. I caught wee bro before he left for work and showed him, he told me “you need to tell them the freezer story, that was just fucking insane”. So after I’ve caught some sleep, read all the comments etc, I may write that one up if anyone is interested. So to all of you who took the time to read this and those of you who commented thank you.

Also, thank you to the person who gilded this I have no idea what that means but I’m fucking excited about it. As soon as I figure out how to figure out who did it your name will be up here in shiny lights, or black and white at least. 

EDIT: I've been given two reddit gold? I didn't know you could have more than one. So I'd like to thank /u/i_pk_pjers_i for one Reddit Gold and I'm still trying to figure out who my second came from. Also I promise to write up my escapade with the freezer once I've had some sleep.

EDIT 2: Holy shit batman, I can not believe the response this has gotten. Seriously people thank you, I've read through a good majority of your comments and some have made me peeing myself. I'm not sure if I'll be able to respond to everyone but I will try. However, before I do, I just have to thank /u/mariusbalaban and /u/HaikuSorrow as well as two others who are currently anonymous for the reddit golds. 

Also for those who are interested I'll be posting my freezer story as soon as I finish this edit.

Friday the 13th

Post my bail

Did you know

GROANER’S CORNER:((  Newest Discovery::

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.  The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.  Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
So how does this revolutionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programs of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.  To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".  Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.  By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.  BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginning as a location finder for any required information sequence.  A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK-mark. This enables the user to pick up his program where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOK-mark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.  The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs are available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.  Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.  BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.  Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.