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Monday, March 30, 2015

Some Rules and things

The Man Rules 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

  Finally , the guys' side of the story. 
must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear "the rules" 
From the female side....

  Now here are the rules from the male side.    

These are our rules! 
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. 
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 
We need it up, you need it down. 
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides. 
Let it be. 

1.. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work! 
Strong hints do not work! 
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 
Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something 
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both. 
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no  IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS. 

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT will be scratched. 
We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football 
or Hockey. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape..   Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. 
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

Pass this to as many men as you can - 
to give them a laugh. 

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?   
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE   
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?   
3. OK .....   So if the    Jacksonville  Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the    Tampa     Bay  Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the    Tennessee  Titans? 
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea   does that mean that one enjoys it?   
5. There are three religious truths:   
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.   
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.   
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.   
6. If people from     Poland   are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland   called Holes?   
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*   
8. Why do croutons come in  airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?   
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?   
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?   
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed?   
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*   
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?   
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?   
14. ! What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?   
15.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?   
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? 
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?   
*~*~*~*~!  *~*~*~*~ *~*   
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?   
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive! 
21.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't  zigzag?  
22.   If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?  
23.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?   
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells   ...  'THEIRS'? 

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